With everything you do in life it should be done with purpose in mind. You should never just be out here doing anything with no reason or desired outcome in mind.
Unfortunately, there are so many people out here just existing in pain and not living in purpose. Don’t let that be you. Think about one thing you can do today that could get you closer to living in your purpose and do it. Good Day Good People!
Today’s topic is one of those topics birthed through a sudden thought that ran through my head and then immediately into my phone. I was hesitant to speak on this topic due to how controversial the discussion could be, but as a writer, speaker, and business person, I know controversy comes with the game. I just gotta be prepared and mindful of my reactions.
With that being said, I want to talk about learned behaviors turned into generational cycles and curses. More specifically, as it relates to the dynamics of black women and their relationship experiences and how it differs from white women’s.
Growing up, I can’t lie; I never saw what a real relationship looked like, my grandmother wasn't married to my grandfather, my mom wasn't married to my dad, and my aunt never seemed to be in a genuine relationship, more like a partnership/business. These were the first three women I had to look up to and learn from, so don’t fault me.
Let me stop playing, these are some strong women tho, but like most of the women around me they weren't married and if they did get married, they were in very dysfunctional relationships, even if it appeared normal to them.
So again, I never really seen what a loving, committed, happy and cohesive union looked like because my grandmother treated my grandad pretty bad and made it clear he was nothing more than the father of her child, which she barely respected him as that.
Now my aunt, I never saw her disrespect a man or vice versa; however, I never saw her show love, compassion, or care in any of her relationships.
Then I grew up not really knowing how to be in a relationship, yet yearning to be in one that wasn’t so full of dysfunction, but filled with love like the ones in the movies. Then I started dating, and it suddenly felt like I’d never be able to experience such love because it seemed unreal, unobtainable, and definitely not meant for me to experience, especially being a black woman.
Just talking about this makes me think about all the many other black women who have grown up subconsciously adopting learned behaviors and attitudes they’ve watched the women around them display because what they’ve observed appeared to be normal.
Like that young girl who has witnessed her mother scream on countless occasions, “ni**as ain't shit, yet turns around and let an ain't shit ni**a lay up on her with no job, no respect or care for her. I mean, how conflicting is that for a child who is soaking up everything and learning as she goes?
Very because those same young girls, if they haven’t learned the proper way to love and be loved, end up going down the same path as they step into womanhood.
Now, I know white people have their set of relationship issues as well, and white women are susceptible to the same experiences and not all black women are doomed in the relationship area. However, statistics show that black women have the lowest marriage rate, and that has to account for something. Plus damn near every black women I know struggle in the relationship department.
From the time little Sarah starts walking, her mother speaks a good husband into little Sarah’s future, saying, ”One day you are going to be the most beautiful bride to an awesome husband.”
Not to mention, little Sarah also grew up in a two-parent home, and any drama between her parents was out of sight and out of mind, so yea, her idea of a relationship may be based off of a little CAP. They still modeled what a husband and wife dynamic should look like, and she is good to go.
Now my good sister, little Tisha on the other hand, grew up watching her mother scream,” Ni**as ain't shit, and you” ll never find a good man out here, they all dogs” as she struggles with sustaining a committed and stable relationship.
I believe the differences can be attributed to cultural differences, learned behaviors and a few other things outside of our control, like the effects of slavery on the black family.
However, we wonder why so many black
women develop these self-destructive behaviors and distorted thoughts, it’s because it’s learned behavior that they’ve subconsciously perceived to be normal. How can she believe that she’ll one day find a respectable, loving man who will make her his wife if that’s not the narrative she knows. Or If she’s been taught that she”ll never get a good man.
With positive influences and the determination to break the cycle, her point of view and her mentality can change. She can learn how to love the most important person that she should have learned how to love first and that’s self.
How were relationships modeled in your family dynamic? Did you have healthy relationships modeled growing up? When do you feel like you learned what healthy relationships looked like? If you haven’t, I want to know your thoughts about healthy relationships as well.
The Black Women’s Plight: She wants to protect and love herself, yet she’s conflicted between protecting her man and protecting self because she’s been taught this is the only way to be loved by a man. She wants to live up to that “down ass chick” position because those are the expectations of her. Or if she doesn’t, she risks not being loved. Or if she doesn’t, she somehow loves him less and doesn’t get his back.
The Black Woman's Plight is loving and not being loved. Giving and not being given to. Fighting when she is the only one in the ring. Trying to fix when she is already broken. Trying to heal when she is not healed. Protecting and not being protected. Caring when no one else seems to. Going through the pain and enduring the hurt to uphold that, “I’m a strong black woman who can get through anything, I’ll be fine” demeanor.
Feeling the need to protect her man is an ideology that she learned through experience and modeled relationships around her. Being taught that if she doesn’t protect his feelings, his freedom, his reputation, his name, and his position, she’s “just another bitch, he can’t trust.” So she must compromise her well-being at all costs.
Even though, the love, respect, trust, and loyalty that she needs to feel secure and protected is conditioned on whether she successfully goes through hell and back with a smile, while still holding things down that continue to weigh her down.
This black woman’s plight is something that not only I’ve witnessed other black women struggle with, but I’ve had my share of struggles with this as well. I've protected someone else's safety and well being when I didn't receive that same regard and felt obligated to do it.
I stand with black women because I know this shit is hard living in the life of a black woman striving to grow, learn, love and be loved when the world thinks you are the least expected to experience love and life without heartache, struggle, and pain that comes from so many different angles. We are still likely to be like the ”other woman,” act like the ”next woman,” when we aren’t given the same respect and regard as those ”other women.”
So how does she have anything left for self? How does she still stand strong and not fall? How does she still function when she's been through so much? It's The Black Woman’s Plight!
If you are a black woman reading this on today, I continue to pray for your emotional and spiritual strength. Feel free to share your struggles today as we all are going through some shit that we just gotta fight through. Keep your head up. #selfchecksunday#blackblogger#lisareneespeaks #SoulfulSunday#protectyasanity#blackgirlstruggles
For some reason, I am having a hard time processing all that is going on in today’s world. When we were going through the beginning stages of COVID and all the changes that came with this pandemic, it was really hard for me to mentally adjust. Going into stores that I would normally just go into with no problem, had now presented a problem because, life as we knew it, was no longer that way. I think the hardest part for me was how my mind perceived and processed this experience I was going through for the first time in my life.
Being black while shopping already presented its own set of problems, but being black during this epidemic while shopping wasn't particularly easy either. I already had to deal with feeling like I was being watched as I shopped in stores, now I'm feeling like I can't sneeze, cough or show any signs of sickness out of fear that people would think I was infected. Having to be extra cautious when navigating the world, left me feeling like I was this tainted person that needed to be approached with extra care because people who looked like me seemed to be the most affected by COVID.
Every time I would have to encounter the world to do my essential shopping or attend doctors appointments, it like I felt I was being judged or looked down on like something was wrong with me or like I was this nasty person needing to be avoided at all cost. Even though, I was aware that this was a pandemic that not only affected me but every living, breathing being on earth, I still seemed to process this experience differently because my race seemed to be at the forefront of the pandemic.
Not being able to just go into a store or make contact with other people because the fear of being infected compromised our normal way of living, did something to me. Of course, I understood how serious this matter was and how important it was to function in this manner, but mentally it was hard to truly process this new way of living.
I didn't really mind the downtime, nor did I mind, staying at home because I truly am an introvert who enjoys time at home and to myself. I had a problem with my choice being taken away from me. Not having the privilege to just go out and have a drink at the bar or dinner at a restaurant when I wanted to was what I was struggling with and I found myself experiencing some major frustration every time I was reminded of this reality. I went through a moment where I was in denial that this was real, then the anger started to set in, which made abiding to this new normal presented challenging on a mental level.
My problems, like everyone else, didn't just stop at dealing with COVID. I was dealing with so many other things in conjunction with dealing with COVID and trying to stay mentally sane was the biggest concern with all of this. I was pregnant, I was going through a bad break up from a 16-yr relationship, I was experiencing major anxiety and depression and I was forced to stay at home in my room and in my feelings. Day in and day out, it was just me, my phone, and my four walls because I was also without a tv due to the breakup. I was lonely, confused, and confined to not only my home but my feelings as well. I not only had to make some changes with the way I had to function due to COVID. I also had to adjust to the changes of pregnancy and boy was that challenging. I was losing weight due to horrible morning sickness and emotionally I was going through it because I just didn't feel like myself any more.
Once I got through that experience, which ended with me losing the baby, I was now trying to heal and move on with coping during the pandemic. Then we were presented with yet another challenge, which again, had another effect on my life due to the color of my skin and that was the murders of unarmed African Americans at the hand of white cops that sparked riots, protests and just an all out race war.
I have to say with everything that has transpired from the personal things in my life to the pandemic and the murders of unarmed black people, 2020 ain't so clear after all, the vision has been lost and shit looks real blurry right now. I am experiencing a lot of uncertainty, doubt and frustration as I strive to maintain my sanity and the little peace I have, but being reminded of these traumas and unprecedent events around me on the daily basis, doesn't help.
If you can relate to just feeling uncertain about the future and experiencing some issues with your mental health, I urge you to give yourself a mental break from all the news and social media exposure. Please speak with a mental health professional because not only are we dealing with shit in our own personal lives, we are dealing with shit on a national level as well. No one cares about your mental health and how everything around you might be affecting you because again we are all going through this together, so it is important that you care.
I'm have so many fucking feelings right now at the shit that's going on, I can't fathom why this looting and burning down businesses is okay. If these people weren't so concerned about fulfilling a personal agenda they would have thought about how this would affect all of us in the long run.
Now y'all running to Indiana after y'all burned all y'all shit down, buying up all the food out here. What y'all was doing was for personal gain, living in the moment, not thinking about how this could affect you in the long run.
I don't care that your justification is that these stores are ran by other races and they should suffer for our sufferings. Those stores still hold are necessities of life. Maybe if we come together, build our community and open black own stores in our communities, we’d start to see some change. Nah, y'all burning them down too. These lawmakers and politicians could make it worse than it already is in your neighborhoods. Y'all already gotta travel outside your neighborhood to get real groceries, what y'all think y'all about to do now? Once buildings get burned, I very rarely see them built again, it's either torn down or abandoned. Then you'll trying to break in people’s house and rob them. I'm never dismissng that there's a bigger problem at hand, but this is a problem too.
Congratulations you are pregnant”, were the words my doctor said to me after patiently awaiting confirmation of what I already knew. I’ll never forget those two bold lines plastered across the screen of the drug store pregnancy test I had taken the night before because it left me in total disbelief.
I thought I’d never hear those words because, in mind, I wasn’t able to have children. I had declared myself physically and mentally unable to have a baby, so receiving confirmation that this was happening, made me have mixed feelings. I quickly realized I was embarking on a new chapter that evoked a lot of feelings I didn’t know how to handle.
I was 31 years old and for the first time in my life, I was going through life events I thought I’d never experience, especially not at the same time. Everything in my life was happening so fast and so unexpectedly that it took away my joys of pregnancy most women experienceduring this time in their lives.
I thought I’d be excited to learn that I could indeed have children, especially after being in a 16-yr. relationship where I never ended up getting pregnant, but with everything going on around me, this moment seemed to be overshadowed by hurt and uncertainty.
I not only found out that I was pregnant by a man I barely knew, but I was also dealing with a bad breakup from a man who I had known most of my life and thought I’d be experiencing this moment with.
I have to say that both experiences forced me to step into a new chapter of life, that for me, was scary as hell because of the fear of the unknown and the changes that ensued. I was no longer in a relationship with the man I thought I could never live without, I was trying to find myself and now I was no longer able to focus on me because my focus was now on becoming the best mother I could be even amid my brokenness.
The resistance I was having with embracing this new chapter was due to the difficult time I was having with adjusting to the challenges I was facing as a new mom-to-be. I was experiencing changes with my body, changes with how I normally did things and changes with how I functioned overall. I was already losing weight due to stress, but now I was battling horrible morning sickness to the point that I couldn’t eat and all the clothes I had once fitted perfectly, were falling off my body. I didn’t like the way I looked or the way I felt and couldn’t understand how women could go through this chapter in life and still be happy because I wasn’t. I found myself crying every day and it even got to a point where I was praying for a miscarriage because I couldn’t bring myself to get an abortion, but I was struggling with embracing this new chapter in my life.
I later learned that what I was experiencing was resistance to change during what was supposed to be one of the most amazing and life-changing chapters of my life. I should have been joyful that I was able to bring another life into this world because so many women wished they were able to do so, yet they can’t. Although, I did experience challenges with embracing motherhood, I did learn the importance of embracing new chapters in life, even amid adversity.
What good is attention, when there’s no solution to come of it. You can get attention all day, for all the wrong reasons and there not be any change that takes place after. Looting and burning down stores in your community that not only you depend on for your needs, but others depend on as well, doesn’t really effectively get the message across. I understand that my people are angry, disappointed and fed up with the unjust treatment of our people, especially seeing that we have not only built this country, but we also continue to build the economy, being one of the largest consumers in this country. You have every right to stand up and fight for your rights.
However, when you are showing that your main concern is how much stuff you can loot to sale and look fly in, it ends up negating the purpose, especially if your purpose doesn’t align with the cause. I realize that not everyone has the same agenda when it comes to this matter and that is my concern.
I don’t care that they are looting, I care that their actions aren’t about the cause. Nor does it garner the respect and change we need on a national level because this is bigger than US. This behavior takes away from the cause, the life and the tragedy of not only George Floyd, but the countless other blacks affected by the unjust treatment of African Americans. Now the focus becomes on controlling these “thugs” and stopping these behaviors.
I understand that a lot of people feel that no matter if you are peaceful or not, they still won’t listen, "so you gotta do what you gotta do". I just feel that it’s difficult to get the message when the actions don’t align with the purpose. It’s hard for people to understand the message you are relaying when the message is overshadowed by foolishness. Would you be able to listen or take someone serious if they are behaving in a manner that contradicts the message? They can't and won't get the message when your actions are distracting from the real concern.
Of course we know that change isn’t going to happen overnight and more needs to be done, US alone won’t change how they think about US and I feel the looting and burning of our communities further perpetuates those negative thoughts they have about us as a people that results in the mistreatment of blacks. No, we are not to blame for their racist thoughts or actions.
No, it's not our place to change how they think about us because that's not our job to do so, we need whites and other non-colored people to stand up and change the narrative of black people as a whole. We need those who are in positions of power to change the story about black people and for policies to be set in place to help enforce the changes we need.
We are not all just criminals and bad people deserving of mistreatment because our existence somehow triggers the deep-rooted hate within certain individuals. However, some of the behaviors being displayed during these trying times, seem to perpetuate those thoughts and feelings further, and as a result, the narrative of blacks change and the focus is shifted.
I don't have all the answers and if I'm being honest, I've never quite understood and still don't understand why the color of my skin evokes so much hatred in a group of people who not only inflicted pain on my ancestors but as a result created generations filled with trauma, dysfunction, and confusion that affects our people in more ways than one.
What are your thoughts on this matter? How are you holding up as you take in everything that has transpired over the past week?