As I lie in my bed, I happen to look over at the wall to the left of me, inflicted with holes, scars and marks from the night my ex came in my room and completely flipped it upside down in a rage after learning that I had completely moved on.
That wasn’t the only damage he had done that night, he had also broken every car window out of my 2019 Hyundai as well.
But even then, that still wasn’t the only damage he had done, those were just the material things that he had damaged. In the midst of all that, there was still a woman who had been left emotionally scarred and damaged like the wall she was forced to look at the first night back in her room after 3 weeks of not being able to bring herself in a place she once shared with this man.
In a place that held good and bad memories that sometimes played in her mind like a movie she had once watched over and over again.
Luckily for that wall, a little plaster and paint could bring it back to new in no time and the scars would no longer be noticable.
Unfortunately, that woman inflicted with emotional scars and damage, needed more than just a cover up to hide the pain and hurt that lied deep within because those scars were deeper than meets the eye and what was on the outside.
Yea, she could get up, get pretty and put on her best, “I’m Fine Attire”, but the fact remains that she is still scarred because healing on the inside has not begun. Healing takes time and may differ from one person to the other.
Unlike those scars and marks on the wall that are just bad because they are aesthetically not appealing. Those scars that she is inflicted with is deeper than aesthetics, it’s deeper than her appearance, it’s deeper than what others see because those scars she’s inflicted with can affect her in every aspect of her life if she doesn’t find a way to heal from them.
See, it’s important to know that healing isn’t a quick fix and it could take more time than you may feel you are emotionally able to handle, but the process is necessary to your entire existence.
So if you are inflicted with emotional scars and damage, I want you to think of ways you can start the healing/repairing process in your life because healing expands far beyond the physical. Those emotional scars you’re inflicted with can’t just be plastered and painted over because they’ll eventually resurface in other ways.
Now Sis Heal, So That You Can Get Back To Being The Beautiful Woman You Are Inside and Outside.
Me being a person who in my opinion, is very mindful of my feelings and thoughts, I still struggle to remain in the present because my brain has its moments when it wants to wander off into another world. That is when I find myself having to fight those negative thoughts that seemed to pull me from the present moment. Yesterday , I had one of those moments during the Vent and Vibe event I attended with a group of like-minded ladies. I could feel myself thinking negatively as my mind was racing with so many thoughts, which resulted in me doubting that I belonged in that room because I was simply not living in the present.
Yes, I was there physically, but mentally, my mind was elsewhere being preoccupied with thoughts that kept me feeling further isolated from life and further isolated from who I was in the present. Therefore, it further caused me to feel more disconnected from the women than I liked to be. It may not have came off that way to the other women because I forced myself to interact and show a little vulnerability, so that I wouldn’t completely allow myself to shut down in that moment. It’s crazy because in that moment, I was really going through an emotional warfare in a room surrounded by beautiful, strong and ambitious women of color who most likely had no idea that I was fighting this internal battle right amongst them.
I say all of this to say, it is so important to be present and mindful of your emotions because you never know how your spirit can affect someone else’s. You never know how your spirit can affect opportunities to build and connect with other people. It’s normal to experience negative thoughts, but you must not live in those thoughts because that is when you stunt your growth and miss out on valuable opportunities. That is also when you sway further away from the women you are and the women you are striving to be.
Yesterday, if I would have completely lived in the negative thoughts that I was fighting in my head, I would have left the event early and not had the opportunity to connect with at least one person who is doing the things that I am aspiring to do with my business. Yes, there were a million thoughts running through my head that I had to continually fight, while trying to remain present, I still commend myself for not allowing my feelings to consume me.
Yes, I kept thinking to myself, “Damn most of these women here are married, but I’m not. "Most of these women here have accomplished businesses, I don’t". "Most of these women seem so strong and confident, but I’m not". I just had to tell myself, “Lisa, stop with this negative thinking and comparing yourself to others, you are great”! Even though, I felt less than great in that moment, I had to keep speaking to myself to keep from missing out on an opportunity to connect with someone who understands my struggles, which was my whole purpose of pushing myself to go to the event. I had a need to connect with other like-minded women because somewhere inside I must have felt that I was worthy enough to be in that room or I would have let my thoughts punk me out of having a seat at the table.
Can you think of a time when you had to really push yourself to be in the moment when you were fighting negative thoughts in your mind? How did you overcome those negative thoughts? #MaskOffMondays #FreeYourselfFromYourself #LisaReneSpeaks #MondayMotivation #FaceyaFears #TakeOffThatImFineAttire
I realize that we as humans have this thought process that if it isn’t easy or readily available, it’s too hard for us to do or accomplish, but I’m also realizing that all it takes is for ME and YOU to JUST DO IT!!! So if you want me to tell you the secret to success and getting what you want out of this very temporary life we are living. Come closer and listen to me drop these gems on you because this is some profound shit, the secret that is....
Good afternoon, beautiful ladies out there, the sun is shining, the breeze is gently blowing off of our melanated skin. So, I hope y’all taking in all this beautifulness around us because I know I am.
I just wanted to give y’all a little style inspiration for today whether you hitting happy hour after work, going to get your study on at class or meeting up for a hot date. You gotta show the world you mean business with your appearance because how you present yourself definitely speaks before you even say a word. So why not demand the attention without doing too much, except for being the Dope Brown Queen you are with this style inspo by Lisa ReneeSpeaks.
The first pic includes an outfit with name brands, but I made it baller budget friendly for my ladies who balling on a budget and ain’t too proud to show it. You too can achieve this look and still look like money hunny!!!
Items in 1st pic:
Purse- Furla Mimi M Crossbody
Shoes-Ferragamo(Heels) and Sneakers -Giuseppe
Now Of Course If You Don't Got A Sponsor and/or You Still Working To Get The Bag, But You Wanna Slay: Don't Worry I Got You. See Below:
Items in 2nd Pic:
Biker Shorts-Rainbow Clothing Store
Heels-Nordstrom Rack, but you can substitute heels for some casual sneakers, espadrilles, flats or sandals whatever floats your boat.
Earrings-Burlington Coat Factory
Just a little LisaReneeGem- Biker shorts are such a necessity because you can dress them up or dress them down, especially if the biker shorts has some type of lace or mesh on it, you can throw on a blazer for a night out or throw on a tunic or graphic tee with some cute sneakers and rock it casual.
Till Next Time...Continue To Style With Grace!
- Lisa Renee Styles, So Why Not Style Too!!!!
Interview With AsToldByLaTia- Here I highlight my journey as an author, a black woman and aspiring business owner. Touching on my challenges, my highlights and discoveries of life, I give it to you raw and real as Lisa Renee only knows how to do.
Do Black Women Love Dog Ass Niggas?
Now excuse the language because I rarely use this type of language in my writing, but yesterday I attended the Meek Mill and Future Concert and for some reason this question popped in my head the moment I started turning up, “ Why do black women love “Dog Ass Niggas”? I was really hesitant to write on this topic because of the reaction that I would possibly receive from my black community, but I really wanted to explore this topic further. It popped in my head for some reason, so why not?
Anyway, while I was at the concert, (my 2nd concert ever) I observed the women around me and throughout the concert go crazy as soon as Future stepped on the stage and started rapping our favorite trap songs. They were standing on chairs, rapping his lyrics word from word, shaking they asses, screaming and just turnt to the max. From what I could see, majority of the women in the concert were black women, I'm pretty sure from various backgrounds and they were going hard to his music. Don’t get me wrong, future music do be turnt and I actually like a few of his songs, so I found myself turning up too, but I also found myself a little conflicted because its his womanizing behaviors that I don’t agree with.
Now, I know that what he does in his personal life has nothing to do with him as a performer, but the way he talks about women in his songs is very consistent with the stories of how he treats women in real life. Currently, Future is in the headlines for allegedly getting another woman pregnant and not taking care of the child. Although, I am aware that this is just gossip and I don’t know that man in real life, there has to be some truth, especially seeing that there’s been multiple stories about how he’s treated women in the past.
From what I observed, the women at the concert were the ones who couldn’t wait to see him and turn up to his music even though damn near every lyric he rapped degraded women and further perpetuated those negative attitudes towards women. I know some would say, “ Well he ain’t talking about me and what he say about women don’t represent me”, but I feel it kind of does when what he says correlates heavily with the attitudes that some black men have towards black women. Attitude such as, we are nothing more than whores and bitches who are only worth sucking dick and that the foreign chick is more acceptable than the darker skin chick.
Please understand that I’m not getting down on Future because he certainly isn’t the only rapper who talks about black women negatively and personally treats women like we aint worth nothing, but he is one of those rappers who black women love to turn up to and support even though his music perpetuates those negative stereotypes of black women. Some black women might even feel that what he does to other women and/or his baby mother(s) has nothing to do with them because they are supporting him as a rapper, but my question is, would you still support your baby father if he was a rapper?
Would you support your baby father if he neglected his responsibilities as a father, but he was a rapper with good music that you can turn up to on the weekends? Probably not, because you couldn’t overlook the fact that you got a whole child by a man who refuses to take care of your child regardless to if we was a rapper or not. Let’s be honest, if he was a regular dude from the block we’d call him, “A Dog Ass Nigga” because he sleeps around with multiple women without a care in the world and fails to take care of his children. Sadly, there’s a lot of women out here who would still be drawn to this type of guy even though they know that his looks, sex, money or lack thereof and bad boy persona is all he has and is willing to offer.
At any rate, this post isn’t meant to make anyone not want to support their favorite rappers or to get down on Future. This is just a topic that i feel I wanted to introduce and at least have a conversation about with my other black women to see what y’all think. You may even think it has nothing to do with anything or that it doesn’t affect you at all and you are still going to turn up to your favorite rapper songs. Hell, I know if the right song comes on, I’m going to be dancing too. I’m not here to judge or make anyone feel any type of way. I just want to have dialogue about this topic to see if it is an issue worth discussing.
What are your thoughts?
As someone who has experienced my own set of hurt, I understand how much hurt can affect not only myself, but those closest to me as well. We think that because we are hurt and that we’ve experienced most of our lives being hurt by others that it is okay to allow our actions to hurt another person who is usually the closest to us. We may not mean to and it may not be our intentions, but the person on the receiving end of the hurt we express, may not understand that in the moment. What I’ve learned is that through hurt, there’s a secondary emotion that we usually tap into easier because it is the most accessible emotion to express and that’s ANGER.
Anger is not usually the primary emotion, but it seems to be the emotion that we are most comfortable operating out of because it takes us from being in a vulnerable state that most people hate being in to feeling a sense of power. No one wants to operate out of a hurt state just to risk being hurt again by someone who feeding off of our vulnerability, so our defense mechanism to avoid that would be acting out of anger.
I’ve worked in the mental health field for quite some time and I’ve encountered so many patients/clients, adults and children who come off as angry people until you hear their story. It is then, you realize that they really aren’t angry people, they have just experienced years of trauma and hurt at the hands of the closest people in their lives.
So, to avoid ever feeling weak, hurt, fearful, ran over or in a position where their vulnerable, they operate from a, “I’ll hurt you, before you hurt me” state of mind. They think that every encounter with another human being is a potential risk for someone to hurt them, so their anger is their shield against that. You can’t tell them nothing that would make them think otherwise because deep down their operating from a hurt mindset, which guides the way they interact and view the world. It is not until they heal and become mindful of this reality that their behaviors will change.
I don’t care how much you talk to a person or try to help them see that not everyone is trying to hurt them and that it isn’t okay for them to hurt other people, they have to heal on their own time. The reality is, people heal at different times and some people may never heal because no matter how uncomfortable the hurt feels, being angry gives them comfort.
Speaking from my own experience with hurt, stepping outside of that hurt state of mind can sometimes be scary because it’s all I know. Being hurt has helped me navigate life a little differently and it’s really the only way that I know how to operate from because it has provided me a guide on how to interact with others. Take that away from me and now I’m forced to adopt a new way of thinking and that can be scary, especially because of that risk of being hurt again, which is a reality I sometimes don’t want to face. We will experience hurt, no matter if we operate out of a unhealthy state of mind or a healthy mindset, but the outcome and level of pain could definitely be different, if we choose a healthy mindset.
I say all this to say, you never know how your hurt affects someone else, it’s a vicious cycle that one must learn to break. No one is telling you to not be cautious with your emotions, but be cautious of how you express them because your not the only one who has feelings and you’re not the only one who hurts. Try talking to someone about the hurt you've experienced, so that you can find ways to effectively cope and manage that anger because God forbids you go off on the wrong person. People want to be there for you, but how much hurt do you think a person is willing and should take, especially when they hurt too?
“I’m not good at selling stuff” is a phrase I always used to say anytime there was a job, a fundraiser or any opportunity where it involved me having to persuade someone to buy a product I was selling. I would cringe at the thought of having to ask anybody for anything, even though I was giving them something in return.
I guess the biggest problem for me was the fear of rejection. The fear I’d be turned down or looked at like I was bothering someone by approaching them to buy my product because I can’t lie, there’s been times when I really didn’t enjoy someone coming up to me selling things either. However, I did appreciate their confidence and ability to do what I thought I could never do.
My fear of selling didn’t just come as an adult, I never liked selling anything. Dating back to the days when we had to sell a certain amount of raffle tickets or chocolate candy bars in grammar/high school. I simply had a hate for selling.
I know y’all remember having to sell them bomb ass chocolate bars with the chocolate, caramel, krackle or almonds inside. Those were really the world’s finest chocolates.
Anyway, anytime those times of the year would come around, I wouldn’t participate and my aunt would probably be the one who front the bill or sell it, not I. I just felt like I wasn’t cut out to sell and I didn’t feel like I had enough confidence or the gift of gab that some people were so blessed to have. I was kind of a shy person until I felt comfortable around you, but even then I didn’t feel confident enough to do certain things, especially persuading someone to buy what I was selling.
I remember one time I had gotten elected to sell raffle tickets at church for our women’s event and I refused. Well, I didn’t flat out refuse, I just didn’t put the effort into trying to sell those tickets. I can’t lie, I liked to save myself the rejection. I felt bad, but at least I remained in my comfort zone, which was how I liked it. Trying to sell things to people or ask for monetary support took me out of my comfort zone, which is why I disliked it so much.
Now fast forward to 2018 of September when I was chosen to be apart of a fashion show, which required me to sell my raffle tickets in order to participate in the fashion show. I told a few co-workers, friends, close people and Facebook about my show, but I didn’t sell it, I left the decision up to them to buy a ticket or not. I didn’t put much effort into it because I was willing to just pay out of my pocket to avoid selling. It sort of felt like I didn't have enough belief in myself or the product I was selling and as a result, it prevented me from selling.
Fast forward again to June 2019 when I finally published my first book and I announced it was available for purchase. I was really struggling with how I was going to market and sell my book. Being honest, I’m still struggling and quite frankly, I’m a nervous wreck. I’m experiencing a nice amount of anxiousness and frustration with how my book sales are going. I’ve only sold 4 copies and those were mostly family and when I did have the opportunity to sell and pitch my book to my church members, I almost choked up in the midst of my spiel like B-Rabbit did on 8-Mile.
I had to fight back tears because I felt sort of nervous and overwhelmed because my First Lady kind of made me give her a break down of my book as she asked me question after question, which took me by surprise. I know, I’m an entrepreneur, so that’s what is expected to happen, especially when you’re trying to persuade someone to buy your product.
I was thankful I had a few people around me who opened up the conversation, so that I could get the opportunity to sell my book to someone. However, I left that situation feeling discouraged as hell because I had an opportunity to sell my book and lacked the confidence I felt I should have had to wow my customer.
She still bought a book, but I wasn’t my surest whilst pitching my book to her. My voice was cracking, my body was sweating and I was nervous as hell. My boyfriend was right there by me and he heard it in my voice too. Then, I really got to thinking more about my future with selling this book after the conversation that I had with my boyfriend’s cousin who dropped a few gems on me about selling my product. I expressed to him my fear with selling and he made me feel a little better, but I also felt a little challenged to do better with my efforts.
In that moment, I wished that I could have hired him on the spot to be my book publicists or marketing partner because he definitely gave me something to think about. But, my mind couldn’t seem to get past the fear of rejection, although rejection was to be expected.
I can’t get past my lack of confidence,but I’m trying to overcome by just praying on it and stepping out on faith regardless of the outcome because I know that I’ll never know how good I could be or how far I could go if I NEVER TRY. Hell, I might actually be better than I think, but I have to stop engaging in“stinking thinking. I have to go out there and standing behind my story and most of all, I have to stand firm behind myself. By the way, “stinking thinking” is basically negative thinking if you didn't know that.
I try to tell myself not to get discouraged and that I can do this, but then that negative voice in my head seems to overpower the positive talk I’m trying to engage in. I still keep fighting even though I know I have the potential to GO HARDER!
My advice to anyone who can relate to experiencing fear of rejection or feeling like you lack the confidence you need to get things done, be patient. Be patient with yourself, things won’t happen overnight, no matter how it may appear on IG or FB, they didn’t blow up overnight. They just showed you their glow up, not when they was tore up.
Build up that confidence hun and just be mindful of those times when you are coming down hard on yourself. You know, engaging in that negative self talk that you seem to always do, instead do things that help build your self-confidence and self-love because it really does start with self. It starts with you loving you, trusting you, healing you and believing in you.
Pray about it and ask for what you feel you lack. God will hear your cry and see your effort and provide you with everything that you thought you didn’t have. It’s so many people who have shared their testimony on how they weren’t qualified for a certain job or business venture, but ended up being promoted and a successful business owner. Won’t He Do It!!!
Next, prepare yourself for rejection and most of all BE READY FOR WHATEVER because in the game of selling yourself or going after what you want, anything is fair game.
Lastly, JUST DO IT... Hell, if Nike wouldn’t have never done it, it wouldn’t have been done or somebody else would have done it. Do you want to be the person who got it done or the person who didn’t do it at all?