Has anyone ever been reminded of a memory when they feel a certain breeze or see a certain scenery or maybe even smell a certain smell that takes them back to a memory that made you feel good or made you smile from within?
I don’t know why but I seemed to have this happen to me all the time and I mean it takes me back to a memory or moment that I experienced that I know I’ll never get back, but to clearly see and feel the experience again, makes me feel, for a moment, like I had another opportunity to relive that memory. It’s like my mind becomes the projector responsible for allowing me to visualize that experience again and takes me away from the drama and challenges I face daily.
In that moment, as I lay peacefully on my couch with my front door cracked ajar, I briefly catch a sight of the most beautiful blue and pink sky I had ever seen. It instantly made me get up and take a pic because in that moment I quickly relived an experience in my childhood on 69th and Damen that made me feel good inside.
Thank God they are always good memories that take me back to a time when I may have doubted how good I really had it despite a little struggle, hurt, pain, low self esteem and troubled times. At least I didn’t have to figure this thing called life out on my own because I had my parent there steering me in the direction she wanted me to go, not the direction I wanted or chose to go. Those were the simpler times, that in this moment I DESPERATELY NEED, but unfortunately I can’t have those times back and knowing that hurts the heart. However, thanks to these phenomenons via our 5 senses, we can for a moment relive a feel good memory that we’ve already experienced and a moment that we can’t possess because once it’s done, it’s done and change continues. So I guess thats why they say enjoy the moment because it will become just a moment in time you have within your mind and heart...
Can you relate to having one of these experiences, if so please share and how do you process that experience?
How you gone win, when you ain’t right within?
Was the question Lauryn Hill posed on her song, Doo Wop(That Thing) as she dropped a little knowledge on the ladies and fellas.
Have you ever thought about how accurate that question is in the determination of your success and your well-being? I can definitely say that now as I embark on my journey to becoming an author and motivational speaker, I’ve found that not only have I questioned my ability to motivate others when I’m broken inside, but a few others have as well. I’ve had a few close people in my life question my mental health status and ability to motivate others while I’m battling my own issues.
They didn't do this because to insinuate that I was too crazy to help others, but to help me see that my mental health was important too. At first, I was offended by the question, especially when the question was posed during a heated discussion between my aunt and I, but after coming to a calm state of my mind, I realized that maybe that question wasn’t so far fetched. Maybe that was a reality that I needed to hear and a question I needed to reflect on because I realized that how I felt inside also affected me, no matter how much I tried to hide it.
So after being posed with this question and not really knowing how to answer it, I went home and I thought and I cried and I thought some more about some of the things my aunt said. That is when I took a step back from working on my book, writing on my blog and doing anything that pertained to this book. I mean, I had to really take the time to think about how I was going to motivate others when I was suffering through hurt, pain, anger, bitterness and a host of other emotions. That question was one of those questions that I hated to be asked, but it was a very valid question, even though I failed to see that in the moment.
Although, sometimes I find myself unconsciously being conflicted between wanting to motivate people but feeling hopeless because my shit ain’t right. Even though I try to fight those feelings and avoid dealing with them head own, I realize that I really should have be tending to them, so that I could grow and move past those negative feelings within. I just do what’s normal and sweep it under the rug thinking I am strong enough to not let what I am going through affect my brand and the woman I’m trying to be. However, when the question, “How you gone win when you ain’t right within” pops in my mind, I realize how much mental health, stress, depression and trauma can keep me from being able to fully give back to others. You can’t pour into others when you’re half empty and near E, you can try, but any little thing can knock you off your square when you ain’t right within.
Coming to the realization that I needed to take a step back from my book was a mix of good and bad where it was good that I was taking a step back to gather my thoughts as they were all over the place, it was bad that I became so discouraged by all the wrong things that I was at apoint where I wanted to quit on all my dreams. I wanted to quit on the amount of money that I invested in getting this book going, although not a lot, it was still a sacrifice. I wanted to quit on the amount of time I spent on writing over 65,000 words. I wanted to quit on all the research and advice I had gotten to get to this point.
I could have made the choice to completely let go and let all my hard work fade away, but I chose to look within and continue looking within as I’m not perfect and I have my flaws, but learning to work through them is the key to overcoming the hurt and pain within. It won’t happen overnight and no one else can heal for you, but YOU. Tend to working on you and motivating self every day because you can’t win if you ain’t right with in....
Do you believe that it’s important for you to work on your inner self before motivating others to work on them?
Have you ever wanted something so bad, but it felt so unobtainable in the moment? My question is, Why did you feel that it was so unobtainable?
Well, that’s how I felt as I drove through the beautiful neighborhoods of Hobart, Indiana. This neighborhood was filled with beautiful homes that housed people who look nothing like me and vice-versa.
Crazy part is these people were in their homes enjoying their life, not knowing a little black girl was riding through their neighborhood praising their beautiful homes, wondering how I could I obtain a life as such.
I just sat back in the passenger seat and admired what I felt like I’d only experience riding through. I tried not to think that way because I knew the power of God and I was a witness of watching a young woman’s life transform right before her eyes, in a matter of a year.
You wathced Cardi B glow up from a stripper to a millionaire. So, yes with hard work, resilience, faith, determination and hope, I could be inside of one of those beautiful homes instead of the one on the outside just admiring. That is why I try to fight those negative thoughts that tell me, “You’ll never be good enough, you’ll, never make it and, you’ll never have that house” by working towards my goals of building a brand.
Now, working towards my goals to build my brand isn’t just about getting that beautiful house and material things that come along with it, it’s about the legacy and change I could create within not only myself, but in others lives as well.
To be honest, riding through those neighborhoods where I knew that the majority of those homeowners were white people who obviously had not a care in the world because life was struggle free for them, money wise, made me feel how I felt attending a university surrounded by people who I knew were more well off than I was. However, we were still in the same institution working towards the same goal to graduate.
I felt less than, inferior and pessimistic because I knew that a young, black girl from the hood would ever have the same opportunities or resources as my white counterparts because of external barriers set in place to prevent me from doing so.
Yes, I could work hard like I have always been and it may take more time. I believe that if I stick by my faith and my brand, I will get what God has in store for me. Even if it won’t be easy and I’ll face many challenges and obstacles along the way because of the color of my skin and background experiences, I do believe that what God has for me is for me!!! However, much more would be required of me than my limited mentality and usual behaviors, which sometimes keeps me believing that I don’t deserve those beautiful houses or that I’ll never be a successful businesswoman. I guess because I can’t recall seeing anyone in my family or my neighborhood living the life I envision, which is beyond just working a job and surviving, so some things seemed less obtainable.
If I am being honest, it is hard opening up to the world about my inner thoughts and feelings because usually that’s where the most rawest, purest and honest feelings live. We can’t fake our inner feelings, we can only hide them. However, those feelings will continue to fester and eat you up inside and affect how you move.
At any rate, I want to encourage those reading this to get in tune with your feelings as you experience them because they reveal a lot about how you process things in life.
Lastly, be easy on yourself, especially when it feels like things aren’t going the way you think it should or you doubt your own greatness. Yea, you will experience moments where you feel things seem unobtainable, even though you are working hard and it feels like the harder you work, the more you struggle. You gotta keep the faith and know that somebody was in a worst position than you, but came up out that situation to be bigger than those she or he looked up to when they were just the person riding through admiring their home...
As I continue to strive to be the woman I dream to be, I sometimes find myself in conflict with who I used to be, who I am and the woman I’m striving to become. Along the way, like every human being, I have had life experiences, some good and some bad, but nevertheless I have experienced them.
Some of those experiences whether good or bad, had a long lasting effect on me that at times, caused me to have a bit of regret.
I know, I know, you shouldn’t have regret, but I do. For example, when I was younger, people used to always talk about me negatively. They would talk about my hair, my looks, my singing and everything else they could find to talk about. So as I grew older, I developed low self-esteem and allowed my low self-esteem to stop me from doing a lot of the things I wanted to do in life because I didn’t think I was good enough.
Now as an adult, I look back on all the opportunities I missed out on because I allowed those negative experiences to affect me.
Even as I strive to be an author and motivational speaker, my low self-esteem can sometimes act as a barrier to my success because again, I question,” Am I even good enough”? I even find myself questioning whether my heart and soul is really in it or if this is really for me, even though I know the passion is there.
That is when I realize that doubt may be coming from a place of fear and a place where I underestimate my worth because for far too long this is where I lived and operated from.
Although, I shouldn’t have allowed that, it happened, so now what? Well, ultimately it is up to me to undue the many years of hurt, pain and feelings of worthlessness that I allowed myself to experience because unfortunately those who caused this pain moved on with their lives.
I know it’s not going to be easy because a lot of my experiences happened during my developmental years when I was trying to find out who I was but got lost in who people thought I was. I started to believe and take on other people’s perception of me because I couldn’t look in the mirror and see who I really was.
I could only see who they thought I was because those negative perceptions are what seemed to be the first thing I saw.
Nevertheless, the first step to change is realizing, but with change, not only do you have to realize, you have to change you mentality too, so that your behaviors can follow.
Through my content and my story, my hope is that I fight through that low self esteem to become the STRONG WOMAN I am deep within.
I realize that by stepping outside of your comfort zone, it allows you to use the strength, you failed to believe you had all along.
Through those times of doubt and uncertainty, I encourage you to seek peace and strength, especially when you experience low self esteem.
Trust, I know how it feels to battle through low self esteem while trying to be great. It is TOUGH. However WE CAN DO IT!!!!
Reflection of the day: How do you combat feelings of low self esteem when you are trying to accomplish a goal?
The sun brightly shined through my window as I opened up my eyes to the Minnie Mouse balloon that was hanging in the corner of my wall looking at me like an angel from above. I immediately thanked the lord for waking me up another day, but then this overwhelming sense of sadness came over me that made me tear up a little. I didn't want to wake up this way because it was a blessing to be alive another day, but for some reason those feelings of defeat and doubt were heavy on my mind as I reflected on my journey to becoming an author.